Ask Amy: I don’t want to be weird, but I have a question about their wedding
Plus: A reader says Amy was out of line in her answer about the wife's wrinkles.
Dear Amy: I am a girl in my late teens, and my brother (late 20s) is getting married soon.
I’m the youngest of all of the siblings of the groom and bride. I wasn’t asked to be an attendant – and I’m totally fine with that.
But I’m wondering if there is a role I should have in this wedding that I don’t know about? Should I offer to do something specific?
I don’t want my brother and his fiancee to feel pressured to give me a special job, but I would like to be helpful.
Should I reach out to them to ask about this? I don’t want to create any weirdness.
– Just a Guest
Dear Guest: Aside from pitching yourself as the world’s tallest flower girl (I actually think this is a fun idea), you should assume that you are an honored guest.
As the date draws closer the couple might have tasks they would like to assign to you. You might preempt this by saying (to both of them), “We’re all getting excited about your wedding! I’m here and available to help with any last-minute stuff that comes up. Feel free to give my number to your attendants in case they need a hand with anything. I’m happy to pitch in.”
Dear Amy: I’m a high school student, and I have an issue with my ex-boyfriend.
We dated for two years but then I broke up with him back in November. We got together again and tried to make it work, but I ended it again with him in early January.
Our relationship wasn’t good. He was a very controlling person, wanting to decide what clothing I wore or the music I listened to.
A couple of weeks after we broke up, I started dating another boy who is amazing. We’ve been dating for about three weeks and I would say that he is perfect.
I am begging for advice about how to deal with the constant trash-talking and horrible rumors that my ex is spreading about me, as well as the dirty looks he gives me when I see him at school.
What do you think I should do?
– Annoyed
Dear Annoyed: First of all, I give you credit for recognizing that your former boyfriend was controlling, and for deciding to break off the relationship.
I also want to caution you to take things a little slowly with your new guy, “Mr. Perfect.” You should extend the good and careful judgment you’ve shown about your ex to this new relationship.
The tendency to see someone else as “perfect” might be what kept you in your previous relationship for such a long time.
If he’s nice to you and if your friends and your folks like him, these are signs that he is a good fit for you – but no one is perfect.
For now, I think it is wisest for you to let the dust settle and avoid your ex completely. Do not react to him, and don’t engage in any social media skirmishes or drama concerning him. Disengage from him as much as you possibly can.
At the same time, you should set up a meeting with your school counselor to notify the counselor about exactly what your ex is doing. If he continues to harass you, and especially if this escalates, adults should step in.
Dear Amy: You are dead wrong in your answer to “Loving Husband,” who asked how to respond to his wife when she complains that her wrinkles make her look old.
You accuse him of ignoring his own aging, when that doesn’t come up and is irrelevant, anyway.
All I see is that he is asking an honest question about how to respond to his wife.
Lighten up. It may be vogue these days to demean men, but maybe once in a while you should listen to one and be a counselor and not quite so negative concerning husbands.
– Dr. Michael R
Dear Dr. Michael R: I’ve heard from several men who thought my response to this question was harsh and sexist.
In his question, “Loving Husband” was obviously sincerely seeking the right words to say to his wife, but he starts with this description: “To this day (when she wears makeup) she is still quite attractive.”
He then focuses on her aging and wrinkles, but never mentions his own aging, with no awareness of how he might appear to her.
My suggested script focused on relating to her, versus judging her appearance.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.