Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling had a 'non-verbal agreement' about who stays home with the kids. That's probably not going to work for you, experts say.

The best way for couples to navigate childcare arrangements is to be open to discussion and make decisions on an equal standing, experts say.

• Eva Mendes says she had a "non-verbal agreement" with Ryan Gosling to step back from acting when they had kids.
• "It was like a no-brainer," Mendes said on the "Today" show, adding she was "lucky" to have that time with her kids.
• However, experts say it's better for partners to have an open discussion and make decisions on equal standing.

Eva Mendes says she and Ryan Gosling had a "non-verbal agreement" that she would step back from her acting career to stay at home with their children when they decided to have kids.

"It was like a no-brainer," Mendes, 50, said on the "Today" show on Tuesday when asked about transitioning from being an actor to a full-time mom. "I'm so lucky if I could have this time with my children."

Mendes and Gosling started dating in 2011 after meeting on set while filming "The Place Beyond the Pines." They've maintained a private relationship ever since and share two daughters, Esmeralda and Amada.

"It was almost just like a non-verbal agreement that it was like, 'Ok, he's going to work and I'm going to work, I'm just going to work here,'" Mendes said.

She also clarified that while still works, she prefers not to act.

"I still worked, I just didn't act because acting takes you on locations, it takes you away," she added.

According to her IMDB page, Mendes hasn't acted in a show since 2014's "Lost River," which was written and directed by Gosling. However, she did some voiceover work for Bluey, a kid's television series, in 2021.

In a 2022 interview with Variety, Mendes also said she doesn't really miss acting and is focused on "keeping it in the home" with her kids.

Since 2022, Mendes has also been the co-owner and brand ambassador of a cleaning product company, Skura Style.

Meeting in the middle

Mendes and Gosling's approach to childcare isn't one that can be well replicated among ordinary couples, Mu Zheng, an assistant professor at the department of sociology and anthropology at the National University of Singapore, told Business Insider.

"First of all, it's very likely Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling reached the agreement based on a fair, egalitarian discussion and decision-making," she said. "But in more regular scenarios, it may be a very gendered situation where women, most of the time, are expected to make such a choice."

The best way for couples to navigate childcare arrangements is to be open to discussion and make decisions on an equal standing, experts say.

"Eva and Ryan seem to have an amazing connection, and their intuition may have been aligned on how to raise their family, hence why they were able to have the 'non-verbal agreement,'" relationship coach Amie Leadingham told BI.

"However, not all couples naturally have this type of connection, and being communicative about their needs can help create clarity and a structure that makes both people happy," she added.

It's important for partners to discuss the arrangement with each other so that they know they're both on the same page. This can help avoid resentment, Leadingham said.

Every couple is different

However, not everyone can afford to be like Mendes and Gosling, and have one partner focus almost entirely on raising kids.

"I believe a wise strategy for any couple is the one that is agreed upon by both and that is applicable to the couple themselves and the circumstances they are in," Kenneth Tan, an assistant professor of psychology at the Singapore Management University, told BI.

This includes factors such as in-law support, finances, as well as their actual careers, he said.

"Some couples might want the 'traditional' arrangement, whereas others do not," Tan said. "It should not be prescriptive in a way where we merely follow social roles or follow how others have done it."

In the end, there is no wrong or right way to approach this matter, Leadingham said: "Every family gets to create their own structure that works for them."

When communicating, partners need to listen to understand each other's point of view rather than defend, Leadingham said. And when dealing with conflict, creating an environment with a win-win solution for both people is essential.

"Remember, it's not only love that keeps a couple together, it's how they fight and resolve their problems," she added.

More than anything else, it's about being a team.

"Ultimately, these discussions should take place in a context where partners feel safe and secure in each other, and trust that the other is looking out for each other and that they are strong in their couplehood," Tan said. "A marital couple that thinks in terms of 'you' and 'I,' instead of 'we,' is less likely to be committed in the first place."