Ask Amy: My child’s hair was cut, and she says she didn’t do it. Should I be worried?
Plus: Should I tell the other families what I know about our neighbor?
Dear Amy: I have a weird parenting question.
My 4-year-old takes a short nap after she comes home from preschool. After her nap yesterday she came downstairs, and her hair had been cut!
She denies doing this and is very upset.
Her bangs were cut all the way up to her hairline, and one whole side was cut short.
I am worried that she would do this. It seems really dangerous and self-harming. And she denied doing it, when she obviously did. So she’s lying.
My husband and I are not sure what to do about this. We don’t know how worried we should be.
– Worried Parents
Dear Worried: Congratulations – you have just passed a near-universal rite of passage for parents of 4-year-olds.
Children this age seem compelled to cut their hair. And most of them lie about it. (I remember blaming my sister for cutting mine while I was asleep.)
This is not self-harming. This is beautifying. And curiosity. And a growing awareness of how scissors work. (It’s quite remarkable that kids who do this don’t seem to injure themselves.)
Stay calm and good-humored. Tell your daughter that hair takes a long time to grow and now that it is cut, she will have to be patient while it grows back. Tell her that scissors are very sharp and that she needs to ask you if she wants to use them.
Take her to a salon or barbershop to have a professional even things out. (Correcting these self-haircuts is probably why the “pixie cut” was invented.)
Your child’s preschool teachers are a great source of wisdom. Ask for their advice.
Dear Amy: I have a neighbor who was previously convicted of a sexual offense involving a “child.” He served time in jail.
I don’t know the exact circumstances, but I do understand that the term “child” may include a person as young as an infant and as old as a teenager.
The sexual offender is married with two young children.
I know that he and his wife want to keep his history private.
However, the other neighbors around where I live are not aware of the situation, and their kids play and interact with the sexual offender’s family.
Do I need to inform the unknowing neighbors about his status as a sex offender, or should I remain silent?
I’d appreciate your advice.
– Uncertain
Dear Uncertain: You don’t say how you know about this offense, but you should take it as a given that these neighbors don’t want others to know that he is a convicted sexual offender. But this is not up to them.
Convicted sex offenders are assigned a status: level 1, 2 or 3. Level 1 is considered “low risk of re-offense” and level 3 “high risk of re-offense.” Each state maintains a sex offender registry. You can check the registry within your ZIP code to see if your neighbor is registered and what the classification is.
The reason the registry exists is because people should know if sex offenders live in the community so children can be kept away from predators.
Wearing this virtual scarlet letter is the ongoing consequence of committing a sex crime against a child.
Your offending neighbor should reveal his conviction. If he is classified as low-risk, he should reveal that and explain the circumstances – for instance, if he was 19 and had a sexual relationship with a person under the age of consent in his state. (A convicted person can go to jail with a level 1 offense, but the penalty also seems to depend on the state where the offense occurred.)
In short, I am suggesting that the convicted offender and his wife do the ethical thing by notifying others of his criminal status.
They most likely won’t do that, and so, yes, you should let parents in your circle know.
People notified should make every effort to independently verify the information through a neutral source, such as the sex offender registry. (Check nsopw.gov.)
Dear Amy: I cried when I read these words in reply to the question from “Scared Mom,” about her daughter’s alcoholism: “Offer her a judgment-neutral safe harbor so she won’t become isolated, and encourage her to seek treatment without letting her alcoholism become her primary identity in your relationship.”
Thank you!
– Parent of an Alcoholic
Dear Parent: Alcoholism is a family disease; it will consume everyone’s life – if you let it.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.