Dear Abby: We’re expected to drop everything when relatives show up unexpectedly

DEAR ABBY: Some relatives come once or twice a year from out of state to stay at my in-laws' house. For the past 20-plus years, it has been the same routine. They show up, but we never know ahead of time when or how long they are staying. We are expected to drop everything to go over there to visit with them as long as they are in town. There are no plans and no schedule; we just sit around waiting for them to decide what they want to do.

I'm so tired of it. I would prefer knowing ahead of time so I won't have to cancel my previous plans when they show up. It's nice to chat, but I'd like to know beforehand that they are coming so I can meet them for a meal or activity rather than sit for hours. Can I make this request now that it has been going on for so long? — BURDENED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BURDENED: Yes, you can make your wishes known. What you are proposing is common sense and common courtesy. Tell these relatives you love seeing them but would like some advance notice when they plan to be in town so you can adjust your schedule and take them somewhere rather than sit for hours at your in-laws'. It's entirely possible that these relatives -- AND your in-laws -- would appreciate it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widower aged 72, and I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to contact an old girlfriend from my college days. Yes, it has been more than 50 years, and she is married with grown children. I'm just wondering what your position is on this.

It would be nice to talk and catch up on our lives, etc. She lives 400 miles from where I do, but I would like to speak with her and talk about our lives. Since we both are in our early 70s, there's obviously not a lot of time left. — CATCHING UP IN GEORGIA

DEAR CATCHING UP: My position is don't dip your hook in the water unless you plan to keep whatever you catch. Your old girlfriend is a married woman with a family. If your motive is to simply sing a chorus of "Auld Lang Syne," go ahead and reach out. If you are lonely and there is ANYTHING more to it, then don't.

DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my husband and I have attended a holiday concert with our good friend "Ellie," who lives two hours away. Ellie recently told a friend of hers how wonderful the concert was, and now the friend wants to come to town to see it. The problem? We do not like this person for several reasons, but Ellie has chosen to invite this friend to attend the concert with her. We feel slighted. How should we approach this with Ellie? — OUT OF TUNE IN ARIZONA

DEAR OUT: I recommend you not do that. You may be close with Ellie, but you shouldn't try to dictate who she invites to be her guests to events. If you do, you will alienate her. Accept that if you want to attend the next concert you will have to buy your tickets separately, and when you encounter Ellie and her friend whom you abhor, be cordial.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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