'Hot Frosty' is good for your mental health, says me

Christmas movies can be a balm to the soul during dark, dark times. At their best, they remind us of the kindness that lies in the hearts of humankind. And at their worst, they're still pretty unflappably joyous. Now, I won't promise you Hot Frosty — a new Netflix release about a snowman who becomes a real, human man — is on par with holiday classics like A Christmas Story, Home Alone, Elf, Love Actually, or even Gremlins. However, I will assure you it's a delightful treat that's sure to enchant for 90 minutes of seasonal bliss. 

Yes, yes, there are hordes of Hallmark movies to choose from, and Netflix has their own panoply of Yuletide viewing — including footage of a cozy fireplace. But trust me, Hot Frosty should be your go-to when you need a break from the worry, stress, and general panic of being alive in this very intense moment in time. Just let this be the mental massage of silliness and sweetness to work out those knots in your muscles and wrinkles in your brain. 

So, if you could use a break from your brain or the world, give yourself over to Hot Frosty.

Yes, Hot Frosty is about a hunky snowman come to life. 

Written by Russell Hainline, Hot Frosty plays to the holiday rom-com cliches that fans have come to hold dear. Having scripted a slew of festive films (In Merry Measure andThe Santa Summit, plus the upcoming movies Three Wiser Men and a Baby, The Santa Class, and Christmas Under The Lights), Hainline is no stranger to these traditions, and he honors them with both a keen awareness and a sense of playfulness. As such, Hot Frosty is set in a picturesque small town called Hope Springs, the kind of place where everyone knows the kind-hearted widow, Kathy (Mean Girls' Lacey Chabert), a diner owner who does her best to feed and care for her neighbors — and bare-chested snowmen. 

Amid a festive holiday fair festooned with red-and-green decorations and alive with holiday R&B, an unconventional snowman is carved with long locks of hair, a bare chest, pert nipples, and chiseled abs. Of course, caring Kathy bestows on him a long red scarf, to buffer him from the cold and give him some sense of dignity from the waist down. Well, there must have been some magic in that long red scarf she found, for when she placed it on his neck, he began to turn... into a flesh-and-blood man named Jack (Schitt's Creek's beloved vet Dustin Milligan). 

Naturally, after some comic misunderstandings, he finds his way to Kathy and, soon enough, into her heart, mending her mourning through plenty of Golden Retriever energy. He is hunky, handy, and hot: masculine in a strictly non-toxic sense. For Jack, being a real man means helping others, like the gaggle of older ladies who could use a handyman (and a cheap thrill) courtesy of a handsome, giving stranger. Jack's caring nature, along with his willingness to share his loving feelings — not to mention those ripped arms — make him a great pick for cuffing season. Also, he revels in making Christmas cookies, understands the joys of cold pizza, gives her a place to express her grief, and is often shirtless! What's not to love?

Terminator is the source of Hot Frosty's central conflict. 

Props to Hainline and director Jerry Ciccoritti for making the most of Jack's transformation scene. It's not that the visual effects are awe-inspiring so much as the kookiness that follows, which is a mix of Austin Powers humor and Terminator plot points. When Jack comes to life, he's wearing only that long red scarf, making for a scene that's a bit spicy as that generous knitwear conveniently covers his crotch no matter how he moves. Much like the newly arrived Terminator in James Cameron's 1984 sci-fi classic (which has influenced untold holiday tales), Jack arrives naked in this world, and in urgent need of clothes. So he turns to crime!

After accidentally streaking in front of a surprised elderly couple, he doesn't beat up a biker for attire. Instead, Jack breaks into the local thrift shop, Reclaimed Rags, to snatch some duds. Specifically, he takes some boots and a denim jumpsuit missing its sleeves, a perfect showcase for Jack's buff biceps. So, public indecency, breaking and entering, and theft — this is the closest thing this charming town has ever had to a crime spree. The Office's Craig Robinson brings an amusing intensity as the sheriff on the case, while Joe Lo Truglio hearkens back to his Brooklyn Nine-Nine days as the bumbling partner/sidekick, who, of course, gives Jack love advice. But whether it's getting close to Kathy or getting locked up in the local jail, Jack is at risk, as he melts when things get hot. 

Yes! The only downside of this guileless guy is he's cold to the touch and melts in warm weather. (Look, the song warned us.) This means Jack must frequently frolic in snow to maintain his physique, and that sex with this snowman would be at best chilly for Kathy and at worst deadly for Jack. But don't dwell on that. For one thing, these Yuletide lovers aren't moving fast enough for that to matter just yet, and for another, this is a Netflix movie. Such questions are better suited to our own horny musings than to Hainline's cheerful holiday script. 

Hot Frosty is a himbo story that's good for you. 

This Netflix Christmas movie presents the pillars audiences expect: festive setting, charming could-be lovers, seasonal music, holiday hijinks, and a happy ending. But Hainline puts a bow on his gift of goofy joy by peopling Hope Springs with lovable weirdos who are all too willing to believe the inexplicably hot snowman from the town square Christmas display is a real live man, now offering to help them fix their homes, put up glass paneling, or save the lovely young widow from her grief. 

For instance, there's sassy doctor Dottie, who after taking his temperature (30 degrees!), is quick to say, "Look, everything about Christmas: Santa, elves, flying reindeer — the scientist in me knows they shouldn't exist. But wouldn't the world be a little bit better if they did?" She then argues that Jack being a snowman come to life is the "simplest explanation" to why he is a hot guy whose skin is ice cold. It's just science, the film suggests; just go with it. And yes, do that. There's a sincere pleasure in slipping down the ludicrous slide that is Hot Frosty's premise, in which a hot, naive, but very sweet man is the perfect Christmas wish — for Kathy and for any of us who may need a bit of comfort from a cold, cold world. 

How to watch: Hot Frosty is now streaming on Netflix.