I want to cut toxic father out of my life – I won’t stand for criticism and lies

DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to cut my toxic father out of my life, but guilt is holding me back.

I’m 40, and the eldest son of four children.

My earliest memories are of Dad shouting at me or calling me names.

Things were slightly better when mum was alive because she’d stand up for me.

Since she died, Dad treats me like an unpaid carer.

I’m expected to help with shopping, cleaning and giving him lifts. But he does nothing in return.

When I was recovering from a major operation last year, he never once phoned to check I was OK.

He’s constantly critical and puts me down.

He even tries to turn my siblings against me, telling them I’ve been slagging them off behind their backs. It’s all lies.

I have a lovely partner now, and a child of my own.

My partner’s family is close and it’s made me realise everything I missed out on growing up.

I’d be a totally different person now if I’d had a loving Dad.

I’m tempted to cut him off completely, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

DEIDRE SAYS: Parents are meant to be loving and caring. Your father has never lived up to these standards.

He is draining your emotional reserves even now you’re an adult.

You can’t go on like this, so you have two choices: pull back, or cut ties completely.

If you choose to pull back, let your father live his life as he wants, while you do the bare minimum for him. See him when it’s convenient but stop dropping everything to help. Let your siblings step up.

Don’t feel guilty – often, when we pull back from toxic people, the relationship repairs itself better and faster than when we shout and scream.

If you decide to break away from your father completely, you’ll need support.

Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk) is a UK charity helping people of all ages who are estranged or disowned from family members.

There are support groups and workshops in London, Manchester and Bristol.