'My Stepdaughter's Friends Keep Dumping Her – Is This Why?'
A stepmum has opened up about her stepdaughter’s struggles maintaining friendships – and the realisation that her behaviour might be what’s standing in the way.
The parent took to Reddit to explain the nine-year-old is “wonderful, funny, and kind” but is having trouble keeping friends.
“If you play with her, she’ll berate you for doing it ‘wrong’, and it’s just generally quite draining,” the parent said, adding that conversations can be a challenge because her child is “so literal that any joy you had at the start is gone because she’s argued about how you’re wrong or incorrect on specific details”.
Writing on r/Parenting, the stepmum said her daughter has two friends in particular who she talks about all the time and the pair have told her they want a “break” from her.
“She said she feels sad about it, and also that she’s been dealing with it by telling them she thinks it’s unfair,” said the stepparent.
It’s not the first time this has happened either – and her daughter mentioned that it “happens all the time”.
“I don’t really know what to do, or say to her that’s going to help?” added the parent.
What did others suggest?
Parents were quick to share their thoughts. One replied: “My eight-year-old is a know-it-all and I have to tell him when he’s being so literal that it’s rude or that always correcting people will suck the fun out of a conversation.
“I think sometimes we worry that it’s being mean to point out things like this, but if it’s impacting her ability to maintain friends then I feel like it’s in her best interest to explain when she’s behaving in a way that comes across as rude or dismissive towards others.”
Another said: “I would explain to her that if she doesn’t like the feeling of losing friends, she should brush up on her social skills and you’re willing to help her if she’d like.”
But plenty of respondents asked another question: has she been evaluated to see if she’s neurodivergent?
One commented: “I am a psychologist and do a lot of diagnostics for children. The things you write down could be a sign for autism.”
What can parents do in this situation?
Psychotherapist James Lloyd told HuffPost UK: “It’s so tough when a child is left out, and even harder if you think their behaviour might be part of the problem.”
In this instance, he advised staying curious and supportive, rather than critical. It’s not about blaming them. Instead, he recommended “gently asking them how they see things” and really listening.
“Questions like ‘What do you think happened?’ can help them reflect without feeling blamed,” he said.
“If you notice they struggle with things like interrupting or being a bit intense with friends, you could say something like, ‘I wonder if it’s sometimes tricky for others when things get really exciting, what do you think?’.
“It’s also good to remind them that making friends takes time and that everyone learns as they go.”
It might also be helpful to reassure your child that they’re worthy of love to boost their self-esteem, suggested The Brave Girl Project. You can do this by talking about the great traits and qualities that they bring to others’ lives.
While parents might jump to try and “fix” these situations (and that’s only natural because we care so deeply about our kids), Lloyd said “the most important thing is that they feel safe and supported by you”.
“Not every social issue will have a quick solution,” he added, “sometimes connecting amidst that is the best solution.”