Harriette Cole: When I met his friends, I found out I have a reputation I never intended
DEAR HARRIETTE: Sometimes it feels like I have to beg for my boyfriend’s consideration.
There have been times in the past when he’s been invited to a social function, a wedding or a birthday dinner, and he has not included me. Sometimes I’d wonder why he didn’t invite me to join, but more often I’d just assume it was a guys’ thing.
It wasn’t until recently when we went out with some of his friends — many of whom are in relationships — that I found out I’ve been labeled the girlfriend who doesn’t come out much.
It makes me curious: If everyone else in this close-knit circle is commonly showing up to these social events with their partners, what keeps my boyfriend from inviting me? I want to ask him, but I’m not sure I know how to navigate the conversation.
— Plus One
DEAR PLUS ONE: Tell your boyfriend what you heard his friends say, and ask him why he doesn’t invite you to many of the social events he attends. Point out that you would love to hang with him more, but he doesn’t often invite you. Press him to find out why.
Ask him if he would consider inviting you in the future. Get him to talk.
He might fear commitment. If his friends are headed toward marriage and he isn’t ready yet, he could feel this is too close. He might not have the funds to pay for two people all the time. The what-ifs are endless. That’s why you need to ask directly so you can find out.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My 14-year-old daughter’s best friend gets jealous of my daughter when she spends time with other friends, even though her best friend has other friends as well.
If my daughter hangs out with classmates, teammates or family friends, her best friend becomes mean toward her. Sometimes she makes rude comments, and other times she gives my daughter the silent treatment.
I’m worried because this behavior seems emotionally unhealthy, and I can see it starting to affect my daughter’s confidence and happiness. My daughter now feels guilty for spending time with anyone else and has tried to avoid spending time with other friends so she doesn’t upset her bestie.
I know teenage friendships can be intense and I don’t want to overreact, but I can’t watch my daughter go through this anymore. How can I help her set boundaries in this friendship, or should I tell her she shouldn’t be friends with this girl?
— Suffocating Friendship
DEAR SUFFOCATING FRIENDSHIP: This relationship is unhealthy. Talk to your daughter about pulling away from this girl — at least for now.
Point out how manipulative she is being and how sad it is making your daughter. Suggest that your daughter speak to her friend to say that she needs to stop seeing her for now. She loves her, but the friend’s attitude about other people in your daughter’s life make her unhappy.
With your help, your daughter should try to focus on her schoolwork and her other relationships. She may need to ignore this friend’s calls and do her best to block her out. It will be hard, and the friend could retaliate, so pay close attention.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.