Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’

BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the “Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian,” a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players’ mental readiness. “Look, I know it’s your guys’ job to ask, but my answer is the same as always: Jayson won’t be back on the floor until he scores at least an eight on the Mazzulla Logic Meridian, and he’s just not there yet,” a visibly annoyed Mazzulla told reporters, adding that while the forward had made encouraging progress on the Puzzle Corridor and successfully identified which of the seven bishop’s owls swallowed the golden mouse, he was still behind the ball at processing the Farmer’s Paradoxes at game speed. “He’s our future, okay? And we’re not going to put him out there if there’s any risk at all of him overheating mentally. So that’s why I need to be absolutely sure he can solve the Four-Level Riddle of the Mazzulla Arch-Conundrum. The worst thing we can do is set him back for next year with comprehension fatigue, right? He’s getting there. He’s putting in the work. But until he can distinguish the Staircase of Truth from the Staircase of Deception in under 40 seconds, there’s really nothing new to report.” At press time, Tatum had reportedly suffered a setback after he failed to clear the Serpent’s Cipher and accidentally moved on to the Riddler’s Crossing too soon, bumping his return timeline back another two to four weeks.

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