Master Chief had sex

After 12 videogames, 35 books, 21 years and eight episodes of television, Master Chief did it: he had sex. 

Finally, right? Like all Halo fans, from the first moment I stepped into Master Chief's armor on the Pillar of Autumn I've been thinking: This guy needs to get some. Yeah, I was busy shooting aliens and driving around in a cool jeep, but it was always hard to fully enjoy the experience when such an obvious, crucial piece was missing. In the back of my head the question constantly reverberated: When was Master Chief going to have some sex? What was the purpose of this videogame if it didn't culminate in the husky-voiced savior of humanity stripping off all of his armor except the helmet and giving himself, body and soul, to pure carnal lust? 

And yet it never happened. Not in the sequel, or the one after that, or even one with a jazz soundtrack that was clearly written for rainy, romantic evenings. No wonder the Halo series has always been wildly unpopular—they somehow kept forgetting to put the sex in it. I kept buying them like some kind of sucker, certain the next one would be the one with the sex in it, but it never happened.

After two decades, the Halo TV series on Paramount+ has set things right. First, it gave us Master Chief without his helmet—boldly jettisoning the defining characteristic of his videogame counterpart, a man who had his humanity stolen from him and was more machine than the AI that hung out in his head. Ha ha! Begone, subtext!

Next it showed us his ass, but not in a sexy way. Understandable: When you've gone without sex for 20 years, you've gotta work up to it.

Now the moment so long denied by destiny has arrived. The early hours of the Halo TV series may have been light on vibes, but one episode away from the season finale, it's finally heavy on petting. Master Chief had sex, on television. Not with his one true love, the AI Cortana, whose doomed romance with the Chief has formed the narrative throughline to six games. That would be silly. They'd have to cyber or something, and how do you make that look good on TV? Not hot enough.

So the Halo TV series added some kink: Master Chief would have sex, and Cortana would watch. Sadly. 

A powerful scene—one I unfortunately can't embed as it's meant to be experienced, but for only $4.99 a month, you too can witness the moment Master Chief truly became Master Chief exclusively on Paramount Plus (taxes & fees apply). Our years of agonized waiting are over. 

I apologize for the spoiler, Halo fans. It's just, you know, we've all been waiting for this for so long.