My fiancé was laid off months ago, and he's in debt. I'm now overworking myself to make ends meet.

Her fiancé was laid off and struggles to find a new job, so she's been overworking herself to compensate. The stress causes insomnia and depression.

• My fiancé was suddenly laid off, kickstarting a prolonged, unsuccessful job search.
• I've had to overwork myself to make ends meet, and it's causing a lot of stress in my life. 
• Despite the hardship, we are trying to reframe this situation and stay hopeful.

Last October, my fiancé, Collin, went into a meeting with his boss for a conversation he believed would be a catch-up on client responsibilities. Instead, he was told he was being laid off, effective immediately, due to a restructuring.

By the time the brief call ended, he had already been cut from the company's systems.

The call surprised both of us and kickstarted an almost half-year-long job search that's still ongoing. Despite applying for over 60 roles a month that he's fully qualified for, we're still at square one with just a few weeks of unemployment eligibility and no possible extensions.

The layoff has taken an emotional toll on us both. As a freelance writer, I've felt the need to take on as much work as possible to make up for some of our combined lost income. Despite working evenings and weekends, I continue to say "yes" to any project that comes my way.

My rationale has been this: How can I turn down work opportunities when the person I love is trying so hard to find just one?

But the constant new client work on top of running my own business has led to chronic insomnia, increased depression, and an unending panic feeling that has grown over time, creating an unsustainable lifestyle.

The effects of 'money trauma'

I recently learned about a concept called "money trauma," which is a psychological response to a distressing experience that affects your personal finances, consequently transferring into your relationships and health. The idea resonated with Collin and me and has helped us better frame our situation.

Trauma around financial experiences can be so overwhelming that it actually elicits PTSD-like symptoms that can cause us to run from conversations about money altogether, said Shannah Game, a certified trauma of money specialist.

"In your body and mind, it creates these fight-or-flight responses," Game told me. "Your heart might start racing, or you might get sweaty or just have a panic feeling around certain situations involving money. And a lot of times, people don't know why they're feeling this way."

Collin, who was facing debt before his layoff, has been unemployed six times in his career because of things outside his control. He has had multiple positions dissolved and was laid off in 2020 because of the pandemic.

Despite having two master's degrees and 15+ years of experience, it took him 61 weeks to find his next full-time opportunity, only to be laid off again two years later.

I can tell these traumatic experiences have compounded on him, and it makes me feel helpless as a fiancé.

"It impacts my confidence and the way I see myself compared to my peers," Collin told me. "I imagine they have savings accounts and a mortgage. Then here I am, in my mid-40s, with zero savings or retirement funds, having to negotiate hardship payment plans on anything I can."

"It makes me think, 'What's wrong with me? Why isn't this happening to other people?'" he added. "I don't think I'd be thinking that way if I didn't have money problems."

In our relationship, we question every small purchase we make —from whether it's OK to get a coffee at Starbucks to if we should be purchasing a box of cereal that isn't on sale. It also makes planning our wedding nearly impossible, as we can't afford the deposit needed to set a date.

For Collin, the layoff has also created a trauma-like reaction to meetings with company leaders. After two sudden layoffs, he struggles to trust whether his meetings will actually be about the work-related subject at hand.

Finding long-term perspective in short-term hardship

According to Game, the "prescription" for money trauma is reframing our thoughts, feelings, and actions into something that feels empowering instead of defeating.

For Collin and I, that means reminding ourselves that the situation isn't permanent. Each time we've dealt with a layoff, work has always been found again, and we truly believe this time won't be any different. It's just a waiting period that requires patience.

Our financial challenges have also helped us keep life and gratitude in perspective. Even if money is tight, we have great health, a loving relationship, supportive families, and big dreams.

In the words of my future mother-in-law, "If money is your only problem, then you're doing pretty well."

Kelsey Herbers is a freelance marketing writer and journalist based in Charleston, South Carolina. Connect on LinkedIn.