Election Fraud for Dummies

Election fraud is the act of stealing or trying to steal an election by cheating. When it is done by an individual it is called voter fraud. When it is done by a group of people cooperating together it is called "criminal conspiracy." Conspiracies are usually very hard to prove because the people doing them…

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Election fraud is the act of stealing or trying to steal an election by cheating.

When it is done by an individual it is called voter fraud. When it is done by a group of people cooperating together it is called "criminal conspiracy."

Conspiracies are usually very hard to prove because the people doing them work very hard to hide the evidence so they don't get caught.

The best way to get away with it is to do it in places where all the people who could expose or punish you, such as the police, judges, news reporters, election officials, etc., are your friends. Groups of criminal friends all in one place are called "political machines."

Democrats really like having those kinds of friends, so the places that have the most election fraud are cities which have the most Democrats in power.

In some states like Massachusetts, New York, Illinois and California, there are so many Democratic friends working together that the whole state becomes like one big happy family of "alleged" criminals, and even the Republicans (like Charlie Baker in Massachusetts and Mitt Romney before him) become part of the family.

In places like that, there is no one around to spoil the fun by bringing criminal charges or even exposing the crimes.

But in other places, called "swing states," the Democrat circles of friends in big cities like Philadelphia, Detroit, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Phoenix and Las Vegas, are surrounded by what are called "hateful bigots" (also known as "conservatives") who always try to ruin the party.

That's why there is so much fighting over the 2020 election in the swing states. And that's why these cities, especially the biggest ones, have such a long history of people going to jail for election fraud. But that's OK, because the Democrats always find new friends to take their place.

Now, let's talk about how election fraud actually works.

Basically, you have to make sure your guy gets more votes than the other guy. So when the voters like the other guy better than your guy you have to cheat. The problem is that the only people allowed to vote are those on the "official voter list."

The easiest way is cheat is to figure out who on the voter list isn't planning to vote and to vote for them (without telling them).

So you need to make sure the voter list has lots and lots of people on it that you and your friends can pretend to be. Some can be dead people. Some can be old people in nursing homes or mentally disabled people in care homes where your friends work. Some can be women who changed their names when they got married and moved out of state. There are many groups like that.

If you and your friends control the voting places, called "precincts," on Election Day, that's the best. You can just cheat right there and fill the ballot box with fake votes from everyone on the list who doesn't come in to vote in person. Easy peasy.

But in other precincts you can't cheat that way because of certain people called "poll watchers" who might not be your friends. In those precincts, you have to ask the election officials for what is called an "absentee ballot" for each voter whose vote you plan to steal.

The absentee ballot allows you to pretend to be that voter and not get caught by any nosy poll watcher, because you can send that ballot in by mail.

Wow, not so easy. It's not that hard when you're pretending to be a dead person, because dead people can't figure out what you're doing. But it's a real pain when you're pretending to be a living person, and you have do all this work without anyone finding out.

Because of those things, this kind of cheating only works when the number of votes you need to steal is fairly small.

But what if your guy is so unpopular that the other guy will cream him on Election Day?

That's when having friends in high places, like politicians and judges, really pays off. You get those friends to change the rules to allow what is called "mail-in voting," which should really be called "mail-out" voting because it sends ballots to all the people on the voter list without them having to ask for one.

Man, does that make things easier! Because then there are many, many people you can pretend to be – so many that even when your guy is losing badly, you can just keep putting more and more fake votes in the ballot boxes until your guy wins.

There's one more way to cheat that is really, really easy. That is called "electronic voting." It's so easy to cheat with electronic voting because the whole thing is run by computers that can be controlled by the people who make the software. Thankfully, most of those people are Democratic friends.

The only real problem that can happen with electronic voting is when the other guy is SO popular with the voters and your guy is SO unpopular that you have to stop the computers in the middle of the election night and change the software to help your guy catch up – AFTER everyone thought the other guy won. Whew! That's a tough one.

If you do that, then there is a pretty good chance the voters will think something is wrong with the election.

If that ever happens, you'll need ALL your friends to come out and work together to fool the public into thinking they're crazy for believing in election fraud "conspiracy theories."

The bad part is that even your sly-as-a-fox friends who wanted to pretend they weren't your friends have to help you, and that could be bad for them. But, that won't really matter much if you win, because once you're in power there are lots more people who will want to be your friends.

So, that's how it works. Happy voting!

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