Quit, Boris Johnson, before partygate scandal tarnishes all you’ve achieved

YOU won’t have heard of Christian Wakeford until today. And likely as not you’ll never hear about him again, either. Wakeford’s the bloke who was elected as a Conservative MP for Bury South in 2019. Yesterday he defected to the Labour Party. Walked across the floor of the House of Commons with a very pompous […]

YOU won’t have heard of Christian Wakeford until today. And likely as not you’ll never hear about him again, either.

Wakeford’s the bloke who was elected as a Conservative MP for Bury South in 2019. Yesterday he defected to the Labour Party.

Walked across the floor of the House of Commons with a very pompous expression on his mug. He said he was sick of Boris Johnson. Well, aren’t we all, poppet. And he said that he’d been ­wrestling with his conscience for weeks.

Then finally decided he had to join the brilliant, go-getting Keir Starmer team.

Yeah, right. Wakeford’s majority two years ago was about 400. He knows he’d be out on his ear as a Tory at the next election.

He’s made his decision for very sincere reasons, then — to save his own skin. And in doing so has betrayed the people who voted for him, thinking they were getting a Conservative. I hope the constituents of Bury South remember this.

The trouble for Johnson and the ­Conservative Party, though, is that an awful lot of those Red Wall Tories elected in 2019 have very small majorities.

They watch the dog’s breakfast that is the current leadership, and they fear for their futures. They are sick of the incompetence. Sick of the lies.

The most important contribution to Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday came not from the dismal Wakeford.

It came from that shrewd old Tory ­veteran David Davis. Addressing the PM, he told him: “In the name of God, go.”

Davis has no fears about his own ­constituency, which is rock-solid Tory.
But when a senior Conservative demands the Prime Minister resign, you can bet your bottom dollar that an awful lot of his ­colleagues agree with him.

Days are numbered

That will include all those Red Wall Tories, who will now feel a bit more emboldened. It will also include longer- serving MPs who until now have been dithering about whether they should press for a leadership contest.

All it takes is for 54 Tory MPs to write a letter — and Boris will face a ­possible party leadership challenge. We are getting closer to that position by the day.
David Davis’s intervention means it’s probably more likely than not that ­Johnson’s days are numbered.

If Boris wants us to remember him with respect and affection, he should take the advice of Davis.

If Boris resigned now we would ­remember him primarily for a number of triumphs. He got Brexit over the line against all the odds — and we should be forever grateful for that. He trounced the inane Magic Grandpa Jeremy Corbyn.

He oversaw a superb roll-out of our vaccines programme. And more recently he faced down the bean-counters and modellers in Sage to insist we shouldn’t impose more restrictions because of Omicron. He was right about that.

But with every day that passes, his ­reputation becomes ever more tarnished.
He seems to lie reflexively.

And those lies are very quickly found out.

He should go now, dignity intact. And save us the worry of waking up to find David Lammy is our Foreign Secretary.

Andrew is truly stuffed

JUST like Prince Andrew, I too have a collection of 60 teddy bears.

They must always be replaced accurately on my bed after cleaning, in the same position as before.

If one of my servants fails to do this properly, they are taken outside and beaten with a rattan cane.

If they mess up the teddies twice, they are shot with one of those bolt guns they use in abattoirs.

We have lost 27 servants this way, sadly – but one must maintain discipline.

It is getting harder and harder to find suitable staff.

People just don’t seem to be interested in doing a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay.

I have a vacancy at Liddle House for a stool servant.

This is an important job. The post requires an experienced servant to examine my toilet every day and make a detailed log, so to speak.

I’m paying an extravagant £4 an hour – but still no interest.

Sometimes people forget how difficult life can be for deranged, pampered, parasitical types like me and Andy.

Dubai or not Dubai? I’ll give it a swerve, ta

I HAVE no faith in the human race. It’s just been reported that Dubai is the most popular travel destination in the world.

A slave state city with buildings seemingly designed by Hitler’s architect Albert Speer and Victoria Beckham. Surrounded by sand.

I’d rather spend a weekend naked in a bus shelter in Doncaster, in January, than visit Dubai.

Take the lead on masks

THESE are worrying times for dog owners such as me.

A mysterious illness is afflicting many of our pets. We’ve been warned to keep dogs away from the beach here in Teesside – and the story has made the national press.

Vets and owners are wondering if sea pollution or some weird algae is to blame.

Then came reports of dogs being stricken as far north as Aberdeen and as far south as Hayling Island, 300-plus miles away. Hmm.

Meanwhile dog walkers in my area have also been warning about some kind of poison being put down in three popular local woods, and the dogs subsequently being mildly ill.

My wife said despairingly: “There’s going to be nowhere left to walk Jessie soon.”

Which is when I realised . . . It’s not pollution, or algae, or gamekeepers. The only commonality is places where lots of dogs go.

It’s probably a virus – one that is very transmissible but only in very extreme cases can kill a dog.

You would have thought that this might have rung a bell with us humans before now.

So remember – the beach is probably fine.

But make sure your dog practises social distancing and put them in a mask.